When Grief Really Hits Home; Something all of us have to go through, whether we want to or not, and even professionals grieve.
By T. R. Shaw Jr.
I love summer
in Michigan! However, this summer has
been different and a little darker than normal.
I have stepped back from many of the things I normally do, enjoy, and am involved with. I’ve been dealing with grief following some intense losses. Grief is something I’ve dealt with before, professionally and personally…but never at this level.
In the past several months, I’ve lost six people with whom I was close, including my mother. Those losses have taken a toll.
Before mom’s death we were dealing with round the clock care as she slowly faded from post-brain tumor surgery. We watched her quality of life deteriorate. It was not easy, emotionally, mentally, physically, and even financially. I’m someone who normally juggles a busy schedule and needs to stay on top of everything, but family came first and I had to put much of my life and activities on hold.
For several months I’ve not felt like doing much and spent many days in contemplation and reflection. This summer, following Mom’s death this spring, and the deaths of others, has been a decompression period. We've come through more than two years of challenges, stress, dealing with loss and wondering what’s next?
We’ve put off cleaning out Mom’s house until after summer, we decided we all needed a break from the pressure cooker we’ve been in the past two years. I’ve been tired a lot which I’ve learned is normal. In many ways I feel I’ve lost joy in many of the things I used to get excited about, and that troubles me.
Some might think I’ve become a little anti-social as I’ve avoided gatherings, meetings and events I normally enjoy. It’s important to guard my physical and mental health and deal with life’s new issues. Interestingly, one of the books I read recently was Mel Robbins The LET THEM Theory and it gave me some relief from thinking about what others think as I try to figure things out.
I had a career as a funeral director for nearly 40 years and took care of many people in that professional capacity. Most assume that grief is a familiar entity for a funeral director. I dealt with the grief of others often and thought I understood it, but until now, have never personally experienced it with this depth and magnitude.
Among the other deaths I experienced were three very close friends and confidants, one of whom I actually held his hand as he took his last breath, and one who was a mentor and lifelong family friend who died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was called on to help with arrangements which I was honored to do. I also lost two relatives and an in-law who was hospitalized just before we were meeting for dinner and died a few days later.
Funeral directors, I’ve always said, deal mostly with death, but seldom with dying. This couldn’t be truer in my case. As professionals, we are there to help the bereaved through one of life’s most difficult and emotional events. We can understand their grief, help them through it, and guide them on the journey back to normal. We know a lot about grief, except how it actually feels. In most cases we are neutral spectators.
I saw many families over the years try to avoid grief and deny the reality of death because everyone was so busy. Many said, “We’ll do something later.” It only made things worse down the road. Many times, nothing happened.
Grief denied is grief delayed in most cases, it cannot be avoided, according to experts. Yes, death is inconvenient when we have other plans, so let’s put this off. That’s not healthy. I even had a family once say, after I made suggestions for memorialization, “Oh, we don’t do that grief thing.” I shook my head in disbelief as I knew what was coming for them. Grief is something you must go through, you cannot go around it.
In my funeral career I saw how many religions deal with death and grief. The Jewish faith has a specific set of rituals and timelines which include clothing, symbols, and various events. Catholics still have a formal ritual for burial of the dead. In many of the charismatic contemporary churches the entire congregation shows up to support the family or individual. While many today try to avoid grief, those practices are beneficial for going through grief and accepting a changed life and relationship. For many, secular Celebrations of Life, are no more than grief denial events and often do little for those truly hurting.
I went through grief with my father’s death 25 years ago, but I had our funeral business to keep me occupied and engaged. My grief manifested in a completely different way. I still miss him tremendously, the grief never truly ends, but I was carrying on our work, and it honored him. It gave me purpose and energy to keep moving forward. I was also twenty-five years younger then.
I feel as if the past several months have come at me like a freight train. Taking care of our mother with multiple deaths around me was challenging and exhausting. Few outside our family can really comprehend what we experienced, nor understand our unique grief.
There have been nights when I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I wasn’t sure if I was experiencing normal grief (whatever “normal” is), full-blown depression, or possibly PTSD. I tend to overthink things. I know that grief is something we all must go through and not around and I accepted it for what it is. The cure for grief is grieving, and it takes time. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions as I contemplate the next chapter of life.
I decided to take time for myself, reflect, pray, and let time do its thing this summer. I’ve done a lot of reading, research and self-reflection to understand what I’m going through. I’ve learned I’m not the person I was a few months ago and, in due time, will be a different and better person. Sometimes you must go to the mountaintop to see the valley.
I read a lot of scripture dealing with life, death, the afterlife and took comfort in the wisdom of the ages.
One of the most comforting passages I read dealt with not worrying about tomorrow because God is already there and has a plan. “Don’t be afraid, for it is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
In one of my readings which I found profound about physical life itself said;
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
A frequent speaker at our funeral conventions was Rabbi Earl Grollman, an expert, author and lecturer on grief and loss. I was blessed to hear him speak several times throughout my career. To me, his most memorable quote on grief was this;
“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” He added, “Grief is love not wanting to let go”.
As the summer winds down, I hope to begin anew this fall, with a new perspective and wade back into the world that once was. I know things will be different; life goes on in a different form. Those I knew and loved would expect nothing less of me and I’m sure they would hope that I move forward. There is still life to be lived
I hope this helps anyone facing those challenges, and remember, you’re not alone.
T. R. Shaw
Jr. is a Battle Creek, Michigan-based journalist, author and historian. He is both a retired funeral director and
retired U.S. Navy officer and active in many professional, military and civic
organizations. His book, Defy the
Immediate; a Journey of Failure, Perseverance and Success, is a
motivational memoir on lessons learned across multiple careers and has earned
critical praise in several literary circles. www.trshawjr.com
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